As more or less the entire nation knows, today are the Iowa caucuses for both the Republican and Democratic parties. For those of you who live outside of the U.S., what it means is that the primary season has officially begun and each state is going to choose a candidate from both political parties. Obviously, the candidate who gets the most delegates from each state will become their party’s nominee to undo the damage that George W. Bush has spent the last eight years doing.
And Iowa is the first state. Why? Because it’s completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, and being first makes it feel a little less unimportant. I think that, like, four people live in the entire state.
True to their unimaginative selves, the Republicans have a very simple method of conducting their caucus: the candidate with the most votes wins. Great, easy enough. But the Democrats, unable to do anything in a straightforward fashion, have a far more complicated way of going about things in Iowa. Caucuses are essentially a collection of small voting blocks that comprise larger voting blocks. Now, in these smaller voting blocks, there can’t be a second place winner. There can only be one, like in Highlander. So, it’s up to the supporters of each candidate in the smaller voting blocks to convince the people who voted for other candidates with not enough votes to win to come over to their side. And whomever ends up with the most votes wins the smaller voting blocks.
Confused? Well, the Democrats are the party that has lost twice to George W. Bush, quite possibly the dumbest man to ever hold the Presidency. That their method of running the Iowa caucus is a bit confusing shouldn’t really surprise you.
But who to vote for? Well, if you’re an Iowan, you’d better think fast. You don’t have much time. Here’s a primer to some of the candidates:
The Republicans
Mitt Romney – Ever wonder who that 28% of Americans are who think that Bush is doing a good job? Folks who’ve been in a coma for the past eight years, maybe? Romney, that’s who. He actually demanded that Mike Huckabee apologize publicly after criticizing Bush. Are you a fan of possibly two recessions in one eight-year Presidency? Going to war against a country who isn’t a threat to us? Torture? Hate the U.S. Constitution? Want to see another American city destroyed by a natural disaster for no good reason? Then Romney’s your man.
Rudolph W. Giuliani – The former mayor of New York's bogus claim of having saved the city from itself is the most ridiculous lie of the current campaign season. Especially now that he’s running against everything he stood for while he was the mayor. It’s debatable whether NYC’s crime drop happened because of Rudy or was started before he took office. But life became increasingly more difficult for the middle and working classes under Rudy, especially where skyrocketing rental and real estate prices are concerned. And running as the 9/11 hero? Please. The WTC got hit twice during his tenure as mayor. Not his fault, sure, but he put the emergency command center in the World Trade Center after the first attack. And there’s not enough space here to go on about Bernie Kerik and the corruption in Giuliani’s own administration.
Giuliani is a first class douchebag. And I say this as somebody who wants there to be an Italian and/or a Jewish president very badly.
Mike Huckabee – He doesn’t believe in evolution. I repeat: he doesn’t believe in evolution. Huckabee is also on record as stating that the way to cure the illegal immigrant problem is to outlaw abortion. Meaning that the unborn babies will then pick lettuce in California for you for $5 per day. If this guy wins, I’m moving out of the country.
Ron Paul – Plus: opposed to the war in Iraq. Minuses: Comes from Texas. Is reportedly a racist.
John McCain – Honest, has a reputation as a maverick. It’s great that he’s opposed to torture. But lately seems to have become a Republican stooge as far as Iraq goes.
Fred Thompson and Duncan Hunter – I highly, highly doubt it.
The Democrats
Hillary Rodham Clinton – She's done a great job as a Senator from New York, doing such things as taking on the EPA in Washington when they lied and said that the air at Ground Zero was safe to breathe. But she voted for the war in Iraq. And she seems to galvanize Republicans to vote against her. Maybe it's because they hate women. Or she represents eight years of peace and prosperity. Who knows?
Barack Obama – He has opposed the war in Iraq from the beginning, even making speeches against it as a State Senator in Illinois. But his solution to the health care crisis in this country includes negotiating with the insurance companies. That’s a little bit like negotiating with Mussolini about possibly scaling back fascism just a wee bit.
John Edwards – He's very strong on health care, and I believe that he’d do a good job in reforming it. He also strongly opposes the war in Iraq right now, which is another plus. But he voted for the war in the first place. And I believe that everybody who did so should be thrown out of office. But since Edwards doesn't currently hold any elected office, it just makes me doubt casting a vote in his favor. Though I do think that he'd make a good president.
Joseph R. Biden Jr.; Christopher J. Dodd; Dennis J. Kucinich; and Bill Richardson – Honorable men, every last one of them. But you, dear reader, probably have as much chance of becoming the next President of the United States as any of these men do. And a special shout-out to Kucinich because his wife is just ridiculously, absolutely, breathtakingly gorgeous.
And that concludes today’s report. I’m very eager to see how this all turns out.
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